It Gets Better - Chapter 3

Kurt's PoV

I'd spent all weekend ignoring everyone. Blaine's texts and calls. My family's attempts to talk to me. I only came out of my room to go to the bathroom and to get food in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep. The thought wouldn't leave me alone. Now that I'd thought it, it kept coming up. I tried drowning it out with music, with my favorite showtunes mostly, but nothing was working. I tried not thinking at all, but it got stronger.
Still, I continued to push it away. It wasn't going to get me. I wasn't weak, I wasn't a coward.
Courage.
Blaine's voice in my head… That one word alone, whispered by a man I'd abandoned, helped me more than anything else. But I couldn't take back what I said. I couldn't lead him into danger.
I loved him with all my heart, and… I just couldn't.
I forced myself to go to school Monday. I went through my classes silently, ignoring glances from people in Glee club. I ignored Mercedes when she tried to talk to me. My façade was falling, finally and completely, and I couldn't do a thing about it. I was losing touch, losing my grip on the world.
Even though I didn't believe in God, I prayed that whatever we were doing in Glee club would distract me.
As soon as the bell rang, Puck raised his hand. "Mr. Shue? I know we don't have any more competition this year and school's almost over, but I got something I wanna share with the class. Just something nice for the end of the year."
Mr. Shuester blinked in surprise, but nodded. "There's no lesson plan this week, so take it away, Puck," he said, moving to sit down.
Puck moved to the front, grabbing his guitar. I glanced around as he started strumming, spotting a few smiles. I tried but couldn't. I knew the song—everyone knew the song, anyone who knew anything about Disney probably knew the song—but… I just couldn't.

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

He glanced at me, and I knew what was going on in his head. He could sense something was still wrong. Maybe he could even guess what was continually going through my mind, making me hate myself and the fact that I'd thought it in the first place.
But it didn't matter. I didn't even really consider him a friend.

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
If you got troubles
I got them too
There isn't anything
I wouldn't do for you
We stick together, we can see it through
'Cause you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them
Will ever love you
The way I do
It's me and you, boy

He glanced at me again. I looked away. Whatever he thought he was doing, he wasn't helping. If anything, he was making it worse. But I wouldn't let it happen. I wouldn't let this get to me.
I… just didn't know how to get away from a bully that was inside my head.

And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die
You're gonna see it's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
Yea you've got a friend in me.

He finished off the song and the applause started, most of the club smiling now… I chose to stay quiet and still, watching Mr. Shue go up to the front again. My decision made, I raised my hand before he could speak. "I also have something, Mr. Shue. If you don't mind."
"Of… course not Kurt. The floor's yours," he said with a nod, moving off again. I took a deep breath and moved down, heading for the piano, looking at the piano guy that always seemed to be there but I could never remember his name.
"Can I use this?" I asked. He nodded and got up, moving to stand in the corner. I sat down and closed my eyes, knowing the song—like I knew most Broadway songs—by heart. I began to play, willing myself not to cry during this. If I cried, I would never forgive myself. I didn't want to show weakness, to the bullies, to my friends… to anyone. And yet… the song I chose…

How… did I come to this?
How… did I slip and fall?
How did I throw
Half a lifetime away
Without any thought at all?

This should have been my time
It's over, it never began
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can...

The room was completely silent except for my singing. My eyes stung, but I kept the tears at bay.

I try to blame it on fortune
Some kind of shift in a star
But I know the truth
And it haunts me
It's flown just a little too far
I know the truth
And it mocks me
I know the truth
And it shocks me
It's flown
Just a little too far.

Why do I want him still?
Why when there's nothing there?
How to go on
With the rest of my life
To pretend I don't care

This should've been my time
It's over-It never began
I closed my eyes
To so much for so long
And I no longer can

My voice faltered just a little, and I knew there was no use in holding it back. For all I knew, they already knew from Puck that I'd broken up with Blaine, that there was something I was hiding. My secret was catching up with me and I couldn't escape it.
But I had to. Nobody could find out about the bullies.
I had to keep Blaine safe.

I try to blame it on fortune
Some kind of twist in my fate
But I know the truth
And it haunts me
I learned it a little too late
Oh I know the truth
And it mocks me
I know the truth
And it shocks me
I learned it a little too late
Too late...

My voice broke on the last note and I pulled my hands away from the piano keyboard, keeping my eyes down as I walked quickly back to my seat to grab my bag, not even registering the scattered applause. I was almost out of the room when Mr. Shue caught up to me, grabbing my arm.
"Kurt… Do we need to talk?"
"… No, Mr. Shue." I looked up at him. There was obvious concern on his face, and the longer he looked at me, the more worried he looked. Did I really look that far gone? That much to worry about?
… I wouldn't be surprised if it was just another teacher ploy to get me to talk without getting any actual reward.
"Are you sure—?"
"Positive." I pulled away from him and walked out of the room.
I couldn't handle this anymore.
I couldn't handle anything.

For the first time, I didn't push that thought away. In a way, I embraced it.
The only question that was left was if I would be able to do it.